For addiction, the triggers are usually people, places, or situations that make us want to use our DOC or engage in an addictive behavior. When faced with a trigger, urge surfing helps you "ride out" the intensity of the temptation without giving in.

When someone experiences betrayal trauma (usually from infidelity, broken trust, or deception), our emotional responses feel overwhelming. Urge surfing helps us "ride out" these emotional waves without acting impulsively, allowing us to create space between the emotional response and our actions, which gives us a better chance at healing in a healthy way and more quickly.

This post is for people wondering if they or their partner may be a pornography addict (PA), sex addict (SA), or sex and love addict (SLA). I’m writing this based on my experiences because I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m a wife who has experienced betrayal trauma because of this disease. Over the coming months, I’ll share more about the addiction from my work with PA, SA, and SLA. I’ll also share the partner side of it. 

When we're in the process of addiction recovery and healing, one of the challenges we face is staying motivated. Whether you're new to recovery or healing or on your journey for a while, being stagnant can lead to a slippery slope.

This also holds true for anyone in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. We need to make sure that we stay motivated to take care of ourselves, put ourselves at the top of our priority list, and maintain our boundaries.

Last week, I wrote about the signs of a healthy recovery and a not-so-healthy recovery. This week, I’ll share about the other question I get asked by partners of those struggling with addiction: “Should I stay?”

The easiest answer is, “That’s a very personal decision, and no one can or should make it but you.” (Spoiler alert, I’ll be repeating this again.) It’s an easy answer because it’s right, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision.

Some people will advise you to get out while you can. Others will say they deserve a chance to prove themselves. I prefer to remain neutral because it truly is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. But, what you can do is be educated about what staying may look like. I say “may” because, well, everyone is too different for me to make a blanket statement.

Except for this blanket statement: if you or your children are in danger or are being abused, please leave. There are resources available. You can begin here, or text “Start to 88788 or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

If you listen to my podcast or are visiting from Facebook, you know I love my grounding exercises. It's because they're such a great way to get into the present moment and stop triggers, spiraling negative thoughts, and anxiety dead in its tracks. I mean, how cool is that?

Here are some of my favorites. You may know some, but I'll bet others you haven't heard of, and I loved to use them, especially when I was going through betrayal trauma.

We'll start with the easiest one:

Some of you may not know this, but I don’t just help people struggling with addiction; I also help their loved ones because I understand this side of the equation too. The questions I get asked the most are, “How will I know if my loved one has recovered?” Followed by, “Should I Stay?” <—More on that question next week.

These are challenging for me to answer. Not because I don’t know the signs of a healthy recovery, but because people generally don’t like to hear, “Well, we’re never ‘recovered,’ we’re always going to be in recovery and a work in progress.” People are a bit more optimistic when I explain that with a good, healthy recovery that is worked every single day, we can stay clean and emotionally sober.

Raise your hand if you struggle with negative thoughts and emotions. Don’t worry—you’re not alone. We all do from time to time, and if we’re in recovery or healing, those negative thoughts and emotions can be quite persistent.

Why do we lean toward negative thinking so easily? Neuroscientists call it “negative bias,” which was great when we had to be on alert for predators over 100,000 years ago, but not so great now. The awesome thing is that we now understand our brains are malleable. We can rewire them toward positive thinking, emotions, and behaviors. The more we push our brains in that direction, the more they will go that way on their own.

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked, and I see online is, “What’s considered a relapse in recovery?” To me, it’s a personal choice. I believe that each person’s recovery is their own to define. What may be a bottom-line to me may not be a bottom-line to someone else. As you know, I quit cocaine cold-turkey over thirty years ago and then white-knuckled sobriety for years until my husband’s SLA addiction resurfaced. That gave both of us an opportunity to do a deep dive on our recoveries and really start healing from our traumas and move away from what our FOO had taught us.