How to Support Someone With Addiction Without Pushing Them Away

Okay, Bookenders, it’s story time.
When I was new to emotional sobriety, I struggled with being a full-on “fixer.” Combine that with the ego of thinking I knew so much about recovery after six whole months (cue laugh track), and yeah... my poor sponsees didn’t stand a chance. They’d share something vulnerable, and my first instinct was to give advice instead of sitting back and holding space. Just listen. That skill took longer to learn than I care to admit.

Are you like that with your loved one who’s struggling with addiction? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I did it too, and it’s normal.

Loving someone in active addiction can feel like trying to hug a cactus. You want to help, but every time you get close, you end up hurting yourself, them, or both. The line between helping and enabling gets blurry fast. And sometimes, your best intentions accidentally push them even further away.

If you’re like me and hate the words enabling or codependent, you can swap them out. I did. I used words like surviving, enmeshed, and pretty much anything else that didn’t make me feel weak. Because I thought being an enabler or codependent meant I was broken or pathetic. But I wasn’t. I was just thrown into a situation I wasn’t equipped to handle.

No one handed me an instruction manual titled “Living with an Active Addict and How to Protect Your Emotions” on my wedding day.

So, what can you do? How do you help someone you care about without becoming a human doormat or a drill sergeant?

Let’s talk about some action steps you can take.

Start with empathy, not urgency

It’s tempting to come out swinging with tough love: “You need help!” or “I can’t do this anymore!” And while those feelings are valid, urgency often sounds a lot like control. And control? It immediately puts people on the defensive.

I was a control-freak. Not just in the addiction area of my life, but everywhere. It bled into everything. Like somehow, if I could manage everything and everyone else, I could calm the chaos inside my head. Spoiler: it didn’t work.

When I finally shifted to empathy and watched my tone (big one), our conversations started going a lot smoother.

It sounds so much softer to say:

“I love you. I’m worried about you. If you ever want to talk or need support, I’m here.”

No guilt. No shame. No fix-it energy. Just love. And love that doesn’t come with conditions? That’s the kind that feels safe—even in chaos.

Learn the difference between supporting and saving

Supporting someone means being present without cleaning up their messes. Saving them means stepping in with a superhero cape and losing yourself in the process.

If you’re doing things for them that they can (even badly) do themselves, it’s time to take a step back. Let natural consequences happen. It’s not cruelty. It’s clarity.

Some of the best lessons my husband learned came from me not getting involved. I had a bad habit of stepping in, especially when it came to our kids. I tried to save everyone’s feelings like they were delicate orchids. But once I stopped, the world didn’t implode. In fact, things got better. Their relationships improved because their communication improved. Their middle woman (mom) had been removed.

It’s not always easy to step back, but it’s emotionally freeing and incredibly rewarding when you start seeing your loved one grow.

Boundaries aren’t the bad guy

Boundaries are our best friends. Especially in early recovery and healing. When done with love and not fear or control, they’re powerful.

For example:

“I love you, but I can’t have substances in the house.”

That’s not mean. That’s a boundary. It protects your peace and helps them understand their actions impact others.

Bonus tip: Set your boundaries when you're calm, not mid-meltdown. Trust me on that. My first boundary attempt? Train wreck. If you’ve listened to my podcast, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Validate their humanity even if their behavior is challenging you

Addiction is messy. It turns kind, loving people into versions of themselves that lie, disappear, or lash out. It’s okay to be hurt. But don’t confuse their worst behaviors with who they truly are.

My husband’s addiction turned both of us into strangers. By the time the final disclosure happened, we were shells of who we used to be. We said things we wish we could take back, but we were lost in trauma, survival mode, and broken communication.

A quiet “I know this isn’t who you really are” can go further than you’d expect. You’re not excusing the behavior. You’re reminding them they’re still worth saving.

Be consistent (even when you're exhausted)

If you say you won’t give them money, don’t Venmo them at 2 a.m. just because you’re tired of the texts or guilt.

Yes, there might be some pushback like passive-aggressive texts, guilt-tripping, silent treatments. But that passes once they realize your boundary holds. It might feel like dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum, and in some ways, it kind of is. That’s the addict voice: loud, demanding, manipulative.

Consistency builds trust. It says, “I love you, but I love me too.” Your love doesn’t depend on their sobriety, but your support depends on your peace.

And your nervous system will thank you.

Take care of yourself, too

Seriously. Supporting someone through addiction without tending to yourself is like trying to be a lifeguard without knowing how to swim.

Find your Healing Hive: therapy, a support group, a trusted friend, or even a solo journaling session in your favorite quiet place. Mine was by the water.

You don’t have to martyr yourself to be helpful. When you’re grounded and emotionally sober, you become a safe harbor they want to come home to, not one they’re forced into.

Final thought: you’re not alone

I know it can feel like you’re shouting into the void while your loved one spirals. But you’re not alone. And your compassion, even when it seems ignored, doesmatter.

You can’t force someone to change. But your steady, nonjudgmental presence might be the anchor they reach for when they’re ready.

In the meantime, keep your heart open, your boundaries clear, and your humor intact. (You’ll need all three.)

And remember these Three C’s from Al-Anon:

• I didn’t Cause it.
  You didn’t make your loved one an addict. Their choices and struggles are not your fault.

• I can’t Control it.
  No amount of begging, monitoring, or manipulating will make them stop.

• I can’t Cure it.
  Love alone won’t heal addiction. You can support them—but you can’t fix them.

Want more support?

Check out the Loved Ones of Addicts section here on Bookends of Recovery.

Helping someone heal shouldn’t mean losing yourself in the process.

Drop your comments below! If you have any questions or thoughts, let me know. I love hearing from readers and supporting your journey. Just a heads up: I respond to all emails, except from solicitors. If you solicit me, you end up on my mailing list. You’ve been warned :)

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Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura