When Urges Hit: Meet PAUSE and BOOKENDS - Two Easy Tools for Recovery and Healing

I don’t know about you, but I loved when something in my addiction recovery or my betrayal trauma recovery had an action step attached to it. It made me feel like I was actually doing something. Like I was in control (and you already know how much I loved my control back then).

Then, my dear Bookenders, I found out that recovery and healing needs us to do something I found extremely challenging.

It asks us to pause.

I know, I know! Pausing sounds simple, but in the middle of a craving, a spiral, or a moment when you’re two seconds away from unhealthier behaviors, pausing feels almost impossible. That’s why I created two tools you can tuck in your back pocket. Literally. Just write these down or print them out.:

• PAUSE: for those heat-of-the-moment urges when you need to step back fast.

• BOOKENDS: for the deeper reflection afterward, when you’re ready to unpack what really happened.

Let’s break them down, shall we?

PAUSE: The Opposite of ACTION

Think of PAUSE as your emergency brake. When you feel the urge to relapse, react, or run, try this:

P: Pause.
Freeze. Take a moment...or three and get your bearings. Remember to use your easiest grounding tools: like counting and reciting your ABC’s.

A: Acknowledge the urge.
“This is happening. I feel it.” No judgment, no shame. Instead, be proud of yourself that you recognized it.

U: Understand the trigger.
What just set this off? No need to over-analyze in this moment, but it can help to notice if it was a person, place, situation, memory, or emotion. Write it down if you can so you can evaluate it later.

S: Shift your focus.
Step away. Move your body. Engage in gratitude (yes, it works). Look out your window instead of at your phone, laptop, or TV.

E: Engage in a recovery tool.
Text a friend. Squeeze a stress ball. Drink some water. Breathe. Recite your favorite mantra or lyric. Do a grounding exercise.

This is your quick reset. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just do it and that’s enough.

BOOKENDS: Slowing Down the Story

Once the moment has passed, or even the next day, BOOKENDS is how you can figure it out. Because the more you understand your patterns, the less power they have to live rent free in your head. Remember, we want to evict that addict, unhealthy voice!

B: Breathe first.
Get calm. The deeper the breath, the better. Make sure your breath is reaching your diaphragm. You don’t want to dissect it while you’re still feeling raw.

O: Observe what happened.
Replay it like a movie scene but don’t get attached to it. We don’t want to get re-triggered. Treat it like you’re an observer. This is your time to drill down. When you’re in that headspace, ask yourself: What were you thinking, feeling, doing?

O: Own your experience.
It’s yours. No shame or guilt. This is your time to take accountability.

K: Know your trigger.
Identify exactly what sparked the urge. If you wrote down what set you off from PAUSE, now is your opportunity to review it being careful not to re-trigger yourself.

E: Explore the need underneath.
What did you need? Many times, we’re looking for a need that’s not being met. We may feel lonely, neglected, sad, scared, or confused. We may not have been taught how to process our emotions or our experience with our FOO (Family of Origin) may have shaped us to feel like our needs aren’t being met properly so we turn to unhealthy ways to numb and avoid. Be curious as you’re working through this.

N: Name your emotion.
Emotions are like layers of an onion. Some are simple and raw, while others are complex, nuanced, and shaped by life experience. It’s okay if you can’t name the precise emotion you felt, just make sure you’re doing the best you can and you’re being honest with yourself as you’re thinking about how you felt. For example, “I felt rejected.” “I was overwhelmed.”

D: Decide what you wish you’d done.
This is prep, not punishment. You can take this moment to think about what would’ve been a better outcome than the one that occurred.

S: Support your next step.
Write it down, tell someone, or update your recovery plan. If you have an accountability partner, let them know what happened, if you haven’t already. If you have an agreement with your loved ones or support network to keep them in the loop, reach out and let them know what’s going on with your recovery and/or healing.

Yeah, I know, BOOKENDS is long, but so is the process of recovery and healing. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a race. Sometimes you need to stretch out the reflection instead of rushing to “fix it.”

Give Yourself Permission to Slow Down

If you only remember one thing, let it be this: pausing isn’t weakness. It’s power. You can’t always control the urge, but you can control how you respond.

And when you’re ready, you can pick up the pieces with compassion, not judgment. That’s how real change happens: one pause, one reflection, one honest moment at a time. And of course, I created a worksheet to go with this post!

Want More?

If this resonated with you, come hang out on my Substack for weekly reflections, the raw, real, behind-the-scenes stories, and the stuff I don’t always share on the blog.

I’m also exploring a free online chat space just for Bookenders. If that sounds like your kind of thing, fill out the contact form to let me know.

You can also join the conversation on Facebook at Bookends of Addiction Recovery, or just lurk with your glass of healthy water. No pressure.

Stay grounded, Bookenders. You’ve got this. 💛

Warmly,

Laura

Click the image for the free downloadable worksheets