Rewiring Negative Self-Talk: A Recovery& Healing Friendly Approach
The Inner Critic Isn’t Your Fault (But You Can Rewrite the Script)
If your inner critic had a voice, what would it sound like?
Maybe it’s sharp and sarcastic. Maybe it mimics someone from your past. Or perhaps it just lurks quietly under the surface, whispering cruel things like, “You’re not worthy of love,” or, “You’re not strong enough to get through this.”
Most of us don’t wake up one day and suddenly decide to be hateful to ourselves. Those scripts, the automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), usually stem from something. And guess what? It’s not something we did or didn’t do.
Where the Inner Critic Comes From
The inner critic isn’t born. It’s built. (Remember FOO?)
It can be shaped by early environments, family dynamics, teachers, faith communities, bullying, and even how adults around us modeled their own self-talk. Like when love or approval felt conditional, i.e., tied to achievement, obedience, or silence. When that happens, it’s easy for a child to internalize the message: I am only lovable when I perform, please, or stay quiet.
How many of you are familiar with the phrase, “Children are to be seen and not heard?” My husband heard that daily.
Over time, that message hardens into a belief. And that belief becomes a reflex.
What starts as “I made a mistake” slowly morphs into “I am a mistake.”
Which is why I love Brene Brown’s quote so much:
“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”
And once that belief takes hold, the inner critic becomes louder and loves to chime in, especially in moments of pain, failure, or vulnerability.
Shame and Self-Blame: A Perfect Storm
When something goes wrong, your brain wants answers. It wants a sense of control. And nothing feels more controllable than blaming yourself.
“If I hadn’t said that…”
“If I were stronger…”
“If I had just kept my mouth shut…”
There’s nothing quite like getting a case of the “what ifs” is there? Especially when things are beyond our control. I played this game a lot before I found emotional sobriety. “What if I asked my (first) husband to stay home? Then he wouldn’t have been killed.” “What if I said ‘no’ when I was offered cocaine? Then I wouldn’t have become addicted.” “What if I had done more to help my husband? Maybe his addiction wouldn’t have gotten so out of control.”
Shame convinces us that we’re the problem, not just a person with a problem. And once shame takes root, the inner critic has all the material it needs to keep the cycle going.
But here’s what’s important to remember: That cycle was learned. And anything learned can be unlearned. Because…malleable. Okay, well, you guys know I love that word, but really, our brains can be rewired! Yay, science!
Why This Matters in Recovery and Healing
In addiction recovery or healing from trauma, your inner critic can become a loud, disruptive narrator. It questions your progress. It compares you to others. It points out every setback, every mistake, every feeling that doesn’t fit the “perfect healing” timeline.
It says things like:
“You should be over this by now.”
“Other people don’t struggle this much.”
“You’re too much.”
“You’re not enough.”
These aren’t just ANTs. They’re survival adaptations from earlier chapters of your life. They once helped you navigate situations where criticism, rejection, or unpredictability were constant. Or they were caused from betrayal trauma. But now? They’re outdated scripts that deserve a rewrite.
A Moment I Internalized Something Painful (Reflection Prompt)
Before we can rewrite, we have to understand what we’ve been taught.
Take a moment and think back:
Was there a moment where you took on blame that wasn’t yours?
Was there a time you took on someone else’s feelings?
A time you were told (or shown) that your feelings were too “big”?
Were you told that you need too much?
Were you ever shown or told that your worth is too conditional?
It might have been subtle. Or obvious. But many of us carry these moments for years and never realize how often they still echo in our heads.
If you’re comfortable with it, write about one of those moments. Not to stay stuck in it, but to name it. Naming it is the first act of reclaiming your narrative.
Rewrite-Your-Story Exercise
Here’s a powerful way to begin loosening the grip of your inner critic:
Step 1: Write down a common phrase your inner critic says.
Example: “You’re such a failure. You always screw everything up.”
Step 2: Identify the original message underneath. Where might this have come from?
Maybe a parent’s disappointment. A teacher’s harshness. An early breakup. An experience where blame was placed on you unfairly.
Step 3: Rewrite the script with a compassionate lens.
Instead of:
“You always screw up.”
Try:
“You were doing the best you could with what you had. It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s a part of being human, and that doesn’t make you a failure.”
You can even begin the sentence with “Dear younger me…” or “To the part of me that still feels scared…”
Something else to try: It can be helpful to pay attention to the “voice” as it speaks. Whose voice is it? Mine was my mom’s. If you’re comfortable enough, you can talk back to it. Ask what it wants. What purpose is it serving?
Guided Compassion Phrases to Quiet the Critic
When shame flares, we don’t need logic to “whoosh” it away; we need warmth. Here are some phrases to help:
“It’s okay to feel this way.”
“Yes, this hurts, and that’s a normal response.”
“You don’t have to have it all figured out to be worthy of love.”
“You were trying to survive.”
“Let’s pause and be kind to ourselves right now.”
Choose one or two that speak to you. Repeat them like mantras when the critic gets loud. (Stick them on a mirror or in your notes app if you need a gentle reminder.)
Not so Compassion Phrases to Quiet the Critic
Sometimes compassion looks like soft encouragement. Other times, it looks like legal eviction proceedings against a toxic roommate in your brain. I had some not-so-compassionate ways to quiet my inner critic. Mine was calling me a “selfish-bitch” and telling me I was worthless, so I didn’t think compassion was very warranted. I wanted her out quick, fast, and in a hurry.
I used compassion-based methods, as well as image-based ones. I pictured that cruel voice as someone living rent-free in my mind. I saw myself going to the courthouse, getting some eviction papers, and watching as the Sheriff came knocking on her door, telling her to get the F out. But that’s just my salty imagination at work. You do what works for you.
Rewriting Doesn’t Mean Erasing
It’s easy to think healing means forgetting or pretending the past didn’t shape us. But rewriting isn’t about erasing the story. I almost wish it did, but it doesn’t. Instead, it’s about reclaiming your role as the author.
You didn’t get to write the first few chapters. But you do get to decide how the next ones unfold.
And the good news? Your inner voice can become kinder (after the eviction). More honest. More supportive. It may not happen overnight, but with time and practice, it can.
Each time you pause the critic and offer compassion (or not-so-compassionate love) instead, you’re sending a signal to your nervous system:
I’m safe now. I’m listening. And I’m not going to abandon myself anymore.
That’s not just recovery and healing. That’s rewiring.
Final Thought
If your inner critic is relentless lately, don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up.
Instead, get curious.
What story is it repeating?
Whose voice does it sound like?
What part of you still needs to hear: You’re not a burden. You’re not broken. You’re worthy of healing. Not because you’re perfect, but because you’re a work in progress like the rest of us.
Your inner critic isn’t your fault. But the script it uses? That’s yours to rewrite.
One compassionate sentence at a time. If you’re not sure where to start, try this:
“I’m learning. I’m growing. And I don’t have to get it perfect to keep going.”
Wanna Stay Connected?
If this hit home, I’d love to know. Tap that heart, drop a comment, or send a quick message. A simple “same” or “this got me” is more than enough.
You’re also invited to join other Bookenders in our new Reddit community: r/BooksOfRecovery. Whether you’re healing from addiction, betrayal trauma, or loving someone through it, you’ll find tools, honest conversations, and support through every stage of the process.
💛
Laura
