The Cost of Coping: Outgrowing the Strategies That Once Saved Us
THE COST OF COPING
Some of the ways I used to cope were brilliant. Not healthy, but brilliant.
When I was in the thick of addiction, or later trying to survive betrayal trauma, my brain didn’t care about long-term consequences. It just wanted me to make it through the day. And I did a great job of it, but I was stuck in the same emotional place without realizing it.
I learned to numb with busyness. First, by getting into relationships with people and trying to fix them. Then, by trying to control everything around me, including those I loved. My way of trying to calm the chaos that constantly lived inside my brain.
I avoided uncomfortable truths with humor. I controlled what I could and avoided what I couldn’t. In the moments when I felt truly powerless, I shut down emotionally. I locked my scary memories behind an imaginary door in my mind. It was a survival skill that worked like an invisibility cloak… until it didn’t.
Those strategies saved me back then. But here’s the thing: what saves us in one season can quietly sabotage us in the next.
Examples of Common Coping Strategies
Here are some coping skills many of us have used in survival mode:
Overworking or over-scheduling to avoid feelings.
People-pleasing to keep the peace.
Emotional eating or restricting food to feel control.
Hyper-independence (“I don’t need anyone”) as a means to avoid vulnerability.
Substance use to numb discomfort.
Over-controlling loved ones’ actions or situations to reduce our anxiety.
Withdrawing or “ghosting” to escape conflict.
Some of these are socially acceptable, even praised, which makes them harder to recognize as costly in the long run.
The Hidden Price Tag of Survival Skills
Coping skills often come with interest. Over time, they cost us things we can’t put on a receipt:
Connection: Avoidance and emotional shutdown keep us “safe,” but they also keep us isolated. If you’re in recovery, you’ve probably heard the saying, “The opposite of addiction is connection.”
Self-Trust: If we’re constantly numbing ourselves, we never get to prove to ourselves that we can handle the uncomfortableness or challenges that life throws our way. When I was being hyper vigilant, I lost my instincts because I was stuck in hyper-awareness mode.
Growth: Over-controlling situations keep us from discovering what’s possible when we loosen our grip.
What we used to use as a form of protection can become a cage. And because these strategies worked before, we can’t always see the damage they’re causing now.
The Grief of Letting Go
It’s not as simple as “just stop doing that.” These strategies were our lifeboats. Letting go of them can feel like tossing ourselves into open water.
We might miss the comfort of those old habits. We might even resent recovery and healing for asking us to give them up. That’s okay. It’s normal to grieve the loss of something that once kept you afloat, even if it’s weighing you down now.
What We Gain When We Outgrow Coping
The first time I chose a healthier way to deal with a trigger, I expected it to feel triumphant. Instead, it felt kinda meh. My old coping methods were quick fixes; the new ones took time. But the payoff came later:
More energy: I wasn’t wasting it avoiding reality. No more time wasted on pain mining or trying to manage my husband’s recovery. What a weight lifted off my shoulders. One that didn’t need to be there in the first place.
Deeper relationships: I could show up without the armor because I learned that vulnerability is a good thing. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength, inner reflection, and growth.
Confidence: I learned I could survive uncomfortable feelings without imploding or relapsing. And because I found emotional sobriety, I was comfortable in my own skin.
Eventually, the new ways of coping started to feel like second nature. I realized I wasn’t just coping anymore. I was living.
Exercise Opportunity: Coping Cost Audit
Grab a notebook or your favorite notes app. Make two columns:
1. Past Coping Strategies: List the things you used to (or still) do to get through challenging moments.
2. Cost & Benefit: For each one, jot down what it gave you at the time and what it costs you now.
Then ask yourself: What’s one coping strategy I’m ready to outgrow?
Additional Tools to Support the Shift
Replacement List: For every coping strategy you want to outgrow, write down two healthier alternatives (e.g., replacing overworking with a daily walk or journaling).
The Pause Practice: Before reacting to a trigger, take three slow breaths and ask, “Is this my old coping showing up, or my new me responding?”
Connection Check: Each week, intentionally reach out to someone you trust to share how you’re doing without minimizing or sugarcoating. This is an excellent opportunity to utilize your Recovery Circle or Healing Hive.
Emotion Naming: If you feel like shutting down, pause and name the emotion you’re avoiding. Naming it reduces its power.
You don’t have to take away every coping tool at once. Just like recovery and healing itself, we replace them one at a time. Because the goal isn’t to throw ourselves into the deep end without support. We are building a life where we no longer need the old lifeboats.
Wanna Stay Connected?
You’re also invited to join other Bookenders on Reddit at r/BookendsofRecovery and on Facebook at Bookends of Addiction Recovery.
Never forget your strength, value, loveability and what a total Superstar you are.
Sending positive vibes your way. 💛
—Laura
