The Real Roots of Emotional Discomfort (and How They Get Wired Into Our Bodies)

Have you ever smelled someone’s cologne and it reminded you of your best friend from high school? Or heard the first few seconds of a song, and were instantly brought back to that moment you were driving down the road, wind blowing through your hair, not a care in the world? Me too. I love those comforting memories. They’re like warm mental hugs.

After disclosure, the same thing happened when I saw certain pictures pop-up on our digital picture frame (remember those?) or when I drove past a certain place. Except it wasn’t a warm, fuzzy feeling I was experiencing. It was cold daggers stabbing into my heart and brain. All in a matter of moments.

I’m unpacking more of that (the complex, deep parts) over on Substack if you want to join me there.

Okay, Bookenders, I know I mention self-care quite often. Like, a lot. Because self-care in healing and recovery is important. But, when you’re in the thick of healing, sometimes the usual “light a candle and journal it out” tips may not be enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good watermelon and lemonade candle moment. It’s under my warmer right now. But real self-care? The kind that helps you stay emotionally sober, break cycles, and not throw your phone across the room, that takes a little more creativity. Here are five self-care practices I’ve learned (some the hard way) that go beyond the surface and can help.

After the response to my blog post and podcast on urge surfing, I realized something: it's one thing to read about the technique… but it's another thing entirely to practice it, especially when your nervous system is doing back springs inside your brain.

So I created a brand-new workbook to guide you through urge surfing, step by step.

Today, we continue our conversation about betrayal trauma. The first post was published on Monday. This trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or even physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that healing is possible, and there are different approaches to guide you on your journey

I experienced betrayal trauma during the disclosure of my husband's pornography addiction and everything that came with it. Thankfully, with hard work from both of us, I've healed, and he has been sober for over a decade.

When most people hear the term betrayal trauma, they think of a breach of trust in a marriage. But betrayal trauma can happen in many relationships—partnerships, families, friendships, even workplaces—anywhere trust has been deeply established.

This trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or even physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that healing is possible, and there are different approaches to guide you on your journey.

I love the topic of boundaries. It's right up there with having an attitude of gratitude and self-care. Creating healthy boundaries is a crucial form of self-care, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. After the disclosure of my husband’s addiction, I realized just how much I misunderstood boundaries. I thought I was setting limits, but really, I was trying to control an uncontrollable situation, which made us both miserable. Through my own recovery journey, I learned that boundaries are about emotional security, not control. Here’s what helped me create healthy boundaries with compassion and respect.

One of the first things I lost during my husband’s active addiction was the ability to trust my instincts. Instincts are there to help us make quick decisions and keep us safe. Many of us know that feeling: walking alone in a parking lot, spotting someone suspicious, and getting that “strange feeling.” Maybe it’s a pit in your stomach, chills on your arms, or a voice in your head saying “something’s off.” That’s your brain sending an SOS, warning you to be cautious.

For addiction, the triggers are usually people, places, or situations that make us want to use our DOC or engage in an addictive behavior. When faced with a trigger, urge surfing helps you "ride out" the intensity of the temptation without giving in.

When someone experiences betrayal trauma (usually from infidelity, broken trust, or deception), our emotional responses feel overwhelming. Urge surfing helps us "ride out" these emotional waves without acting impulsively, allowing us to create space between the emotional response and our actions, which gives us a better chance at healing in a healthy way and more quickly.