Emotional Window of Tolerance: Addiction & Healing
Reactions That Feel Too Big: You’re Not “Too Much”
Ever had a reaction that felt way out of proportion to the situation? Maybe your partner was five minutes late and suddenly your chest was tight, your heart was racing, and your mind was creating every possible worst-case scenario imaginable. Or maybe a certain tone of voice made you feel like you were five years old again and about to get in trouble.
Then the negative or addict voice chimes in, “Why am I like this? I’m too sensitive. I’m overreacting.”
But here’s the reality: You’re not “overreacting.” You’re human.
What’s Really Going On: The Window of Tolerance
Think of your nervous system like a thermostat. The window of tolerance is the comfortable range where your body and mind can handle life’s ups and downs without going into full “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode.
Inside the window: You can feel your feelings, think clearly, and respond instead of reacting.
Outside the window: You tip into survival mode. That’s when reactions can feel “too big and overwhelming.”
The size of this window varies from person to person. Trauma, stress, addiction, and even just not sleeping enough can shrink it. Healing, therapy, recovery tools, and supportive connections can expand it. I know, I know, how many times can I say the same things over and over again? But I repeat myself because these things are proven to work…and I’m living proof.
Three Reactions May Happen
1. Hyperarousal (too much energy): Racing thoughts, panic, anger, anxiety, feeling like you’re “buzzing.”
o Example: Someone criticizes your work, and suddenly you’re ready to quit your job, move to Antarctica, and start a new life selling encyclopedias. (Who remembers those?)
2. Hypoarousal (too little energy): Numb, shut down, disconnected, “checked out.”
o Example: Your friend asks how you’re doing, and all you can answer is, “Fine,” even though you feel like a boulder is sitting on your chest.
3. Hyperarousal and Hypoarousal (feeling one and then feeling the other)
o Example: A painful memory surfaces, and your anxiety skyrockets. Suddenly, therapy feels useless, your support group “doesn’t get it,” and you’re convinced you should just quit everything. A few hours later, you’re completely numb. It feels like an emotional plateau. Then the plot twist hits: therapy and the group are actually working. Those wild swings? They’re part of the healing ride (no need to pack up and start a new life selling encyclopedias in Antarctica just yet).
None of these is “wrong.” They’re just signs that you’ve slipped outside your window.
Fresh Tools for Returning to Your Window
Have no fear, there are simple tools to return to your window. And if you’d like more, you can always check out the links at the end of my post.
1. Micro-movements
If exercise feels impossible, try toe wiggling, finger tapping, or gentle rocking. Small movements tell your body you’re in control without requiring a full workout. My personal favorite is shoulder and neck rolls.
2. Safe object anchor
Keep a grounding object in your pocket or on your desk (smooth stone, stress ball, sunflower keychain (I may be partial to sunflowers. One of these days, I’ll share why. Touching it can remind you, “I’m here, I’m safe.”
3. Sensory “reset playlist”
I’ve recommended playlists before, but this one is very specific. Curate a 2–3 song playlist that’s specifically for regulation. These are songs that soothe or center you. (Think: not your workout hype music, but something that makes your shoulders drop two inches.)
4. Naming colors
Pick a color and scan your environment for everything that matches it. It’s simple, almost like a scavenger hunt, but it pulls your focus out of the spiral and into the present. For challenging days, pick a color you see frequently and then work down to colors you don’t see as often to keep your mind engaged.
5. Opposite action
If you feel like curling up in bed, sit up and stretch. If you feel like screaming, sing. Doing the opposite can interrupt the “stuck” state and widen the window. If you find your negative or addict voice trying to fight you, talk to it. Out loud if you need to, “I know you’re trying to keep me in bed, but I’m determined to do some stretches and you’re not going to stop me. I’m more powerful than you.”
6. The “soft no” list
When you notice overwhelm creeping in, pause and mentally say no to one thing that isn’t urgent. Protecting your nervous system is just as important as showing up for others. We’ve talked about the power of “no” before. This is no for your brain. In other words, if your brain is saying: dishes, laundry, recovery, meetings, workbook, conference call, evaluations, dinner…pick some things and apply the word “no.” No to dishes and laundry. It can wait. No to your workbook. Schedule time in the morning instead. It’s important to practice grace vs. overwhelming ourselves.
7. Imagination break
Visualize a silly place. (SpongeBob’s pineapple house? Yes, please.) You have your happy place, but what about a silly place that will make you instantly giggle? Imagery taps into the brain’s ability to self-soothe. Aren’t our brains amazing?
8. Gentle pressure reset
Weighted blanket, Warmie, firm hug from a trusted person, or even pressing your hands together. That deep pressure input is calming to the body. And Warmies have a light scent!
So, the next time your nervous system decides to take a detour, remember, you don’t need to buy a one-way ticket to Antarctica or set up shop in SpongeBob’s pineapple. You just need a few tools, some patience, and a little self-compassion. Bit by bit, your window gets wider, and you get stronger. That’s not “too much” that’s growth.
If today’s message resonated, you’re not alone and you don’t have to do this by yourself, join other Bookenders on Reddit at r/BookendsofRecovery and on Facebook at Bookends of Addiction Recovery.
Never forget your strength, value, loveability, and what a total Superstar you are. You don’thave to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up.
Warmly,
💛 Laura
