The Real Roots of Emotional Discomfort (and How They Get Wired Into Our Bodies)

Have you ever smelled someone’s cologne and it reminded you of your best friend from high school? Or heard the first few seconds of a song, and were instantly brought back to that moment you were driving down the road, wind blowing through your hair, not a care in the world? Me too. I love those comforting memories. They’re like warm mental hugs.

After disclosure, the same thing happened when I saw certain pictures pop-up on our digital picture frame (remember those?) or when I drove past a certain place. Except it wasn’t a warm, fuzzy feeling I was experiencing. It was cold daggers stabbing into my heart and brain. All in a matter of moments.

I’m unpacking more of that (the complex, deep parts) over on Substack if you want to join me there.

When I was little, I remember playing with Barbie, Ken, Growing Up Skipper, and Jody dolls (anyone else remember Jody?). I dreamt of becoming a veterinarian. Not becoming addicted to cocaine and living in a trap house or going through disclosure from my husband’s addiction.

I’m guessing many of you reading can relate. Addiction takes our dreams and tries to rewrite them.

The good news is, we can take our lives back. We can recover and we can heal.
But to do that, we have to understand how we got here in the first place.

I don’t know about you, but I loved when something in my addiction recovery or my betrayal trauma recovery had an action step attached to it. It made me feel like I was actually doing something. Like I was in control (and you already know how much I loved my control back then).

Then, my dear Bookenders, I found out that recovery and healing needs us to do something I found extremely challenging.

It asks us to pause.

I know, I know! Pausing sounds simple, but in the middle of a craving, a spiral, or a moment when you’re two seconds away from unhealthier behaviors, pausing feels almost impossible. That’s why I created two tools you can tuck in your back pocket. Literally. Just write these down or print them out.:

Okay, Bookenders, I know I mention self-care quite often. Like, a lot. Because self-care in healing and recovery is important. But, when you’re in the thick of healing, sometimes the usual “light a candle and journal it out” tips may not be enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good watermelon and lemonade candle moment. It’s under my warmer right now. But real self-care? The kind that helps you stay emotionally sober, break cycles, and not throw your phone across the room, that takes a little more creativity. Here are five self-care practices I’ve learned (some the hard way) that go beyond the surface and can help.

Loving someone in active addiction can feel like trying to hug a cactus. You want to help, but every time you get close, you end up hurting yourself, them, or both. The line between helping and enabling gets blurry fast. And sometimes, your best intentions accidentally push them even further away.

Let’s take a look at why affirmations work, how they help in both recovery and support roles, and how to use them in everyday life.

Whether you're in recovery from addiction, healing from betrayal trauma, or you're just trying not to gripe at the person who forgot to take the recycles out (love you babe), today is the perfect time to check in with yourself and get ahead of a potential spiral or tiny glitch.

Check in with yourself using the Life Wheel: a simple, powerful tool for addicts in recovery and the loved ones healing alongside them.